Monday, November 29, 2010 . 10:43 AM
Do you believe in retribution?Well, I do.
Recalling of what did I do to him in the past...
I guess this time its my turn, somehow.
Sometimes, qns like: " Why must he do that?", would just cropped up in my mind.
Disappointment would always consume me after that
I've not competely forgotten him yet, but still trying very hard to understand, trying hard to forget and let it slipped pass.
I guess its becos have been pinning on too much hopes and anitcipation
It's hurting again.
But somehow, it alrdy feels numb.
Just letting it be for a while, I'll be fine again later :)
"Well, I feel sorry for your generation," Morrie said.
"In this culture, it's so important to find a loving relationship with someone because of so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They dont know what they want in a partner, they dont know who they are themselves - so how can they know who they're marrying?"
- Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
After reading this
I've beginning to understand more
Started questioning, what does HIS so-called "Love" means?
Does it means that much to what I've expected only?
What does it really mean to him?
How important does it really matter to him?
OR...
Maybe, HE's not taking it as seriously as I am
Cos to me, it means a lot...
Way more important than HE thinks...
What someone asks from the other partner...
What someone wants from the other partner...
People dont usually ask themselves this
Maybe its just too chim for most of the people out there...
Someday, maybe I'll get to question this myself again...
I guess there isnt any much choices for me now.
I cant run nor hide now.
I'm facing it myself, alone
I no longer fear it, it alrdy penetrates through me I guess...
Anyway...
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
I've alrdy started my first step
The next would be up to me to continue it...
Athough I felt like shouting and screaming at how bad HE's been
Felt like being blunt in font of him
Tormenting. Despicable. Unfathomable.
But I was not born to do these things to people that I care
"People are only mean when they're threatened," he said later that day, "and that's what our culture does. Even people who have jobs in our economy are threatened, because they worry about losing them. And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself. You can start making money a god. It is all part of this culture."
He exhaled,"Which is why I dont buy into it".
- Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Well...
Be it hurtful or not again
It doesnt get as serious as before now
I'm living on my own for now.
Carefree. Facing reality.
I guess its time to spread my wings again
Time to smile!
and I LOVE MY LIFE! :) Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Friday, November 26, 2010 . 6:51 PM
Well...Iryu Team Medical Dragon 3 episodes...
I've watched up until episode 6!
Cant wait for episode 7 to be aired!
Kind of addicted to Iryu dramas now...
Heheh.
Today was household chores day!
Have been doing chores today most of the time
While reading HIS sms that I just received it this morn
Made me recalled of what he told during last nite
Looking carefully at those adjectives that he's using
It kinda reminded me not to think too much again
I'm fine now.
No more special feelings.
Everything turned out great.
Thinking of the chores to do...
HE does chores too
Recalled that he needs to do his chores last nite after his concert, despite being so tired after the whole day
That was...Wow.
Haha.
"Must be a very good husband in future...", came to my mind
Well...
Things are going back to normal now.
And I feel like I'm rotting at hme everyday
Fretting about no things to do
Waiting for Iryu 3 episodes is really killing me
Everyone seems to be so busy with their work and activities everyday
I just dont like slacking.
Well...
Gotta go find things to do
Since there's nth for me to do.
Off~ Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Thursday, November 25, 2010 . 7:50 PM
Incredible, isnt it?I've just came back from a movie with HIM.
It's funny whenever he replied " I dont know. I'm following you everywhere...", after I've asked him "Where do u wanna go?" for quite a number of times.
Really made me think of going to the ladies'
Thinking: "I shall see how's he gonna follow me if I'm replying: I'm going to the ladies"
Hah!
Well...
Considered the 2nd time I'm going out with a guy alone to watch a movie.
The first time was with a jerk.
I'm not gonna mention bout him or his name
Seriously regretted asking him for a movie during that first time.
Another person to make me regret again was Heng Huat.
Regretted asking him for a movie previously
Spoit not only my mood but fang tian and meilin's too.
This time, was completely different.
And this time was today, with HIM
Went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I
It was really enjoyable and it was GREAT.
Just had this strong urge last evening to ask HIM for a movie today
Not becos of missing HIM or feeling anything special
But rather just wanted to ask him out to improve both our friendship together
I knew I hadnt been treating him properly for the past few months
An outing wouldnt harm that much, would it?
I could feel that there's a lot of things that I wanna say to HIM
I've even told him that he looks good during prom.
And those words are really true from the bottom of my heart
But I know I couldnt say much bout it.
I cant.
What's the use of saying it anyway?
Hmmm...
Going out with HIM today feels...
normal.
Treating HIM normally, looking at HIM normally, talking to HIM normally...
Everything just feels so different
Like the way back before.
I wont stutter more. I wont think too much
And I no longer feel agonizing.
Or rather, I felt happier
More carefree, more comfortable and more like myself
Everything just feels so GREAT.
I'm not going to dwell on the past, cos there's nothing I could change
I'm welcoming the future and living in my own present way
Life's GREAT.
God is always great too!
Today just feels so AWESOME! :) Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010 . 5:46 PM
Finally, prom was over.After so many events happened this year
Finally decided to take a photo with HIM.
He looks nice on his outfit.
Smart-looking, and was full with confidence
The first time I ever felt like this about him.
A different, yet fresh image of HIM.
After what I've seen him writing about prom in Facebook
I finally understood who he was talking about now
I guess it was me after all...
So my heart knew the answer all along...
I came across this:
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
So what if it was me after all..?
So what?
Before prom, I realized that I was in a similar situation with my sis
We have found someone that we like, that we wanna treasure
But becos of some things that happened to us
That made us change our own perspectives...
In the end, until now...
We still choose to leave, choose to give up on the one that we want to treasure the most
Not becos that we dont like our HIM anymore
We do still like our HIM...
But just becos of the many little things that made us feel tired, or rather hurtful?
Tired of it, tired of waiting, tired of trying.
And we're trying hard to let go of them
I'm not really sure of my sis's situation and how she feels now..
But for me, I just wanna maintain the way things they are and they should be
Being just friends with HIM now is much more suitable and comfortable between us
I'm still learning to let go.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
And I've came to understand this:
"You don't need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding. "
"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."
It's not about how hard I tried not to think about HIM.
It's about understanding why, why do I have to let go of HIM.
At first I thought its becos of unfaithfulness, how I always thought that he'll always be there
But HE proved me wrong.
Then, it was then stubborness, becos of what HE did, that I never wanted to accept him again, not even wanting to become his friend anymore...
I hated him for all he has done.
Not wanting to accept the fact that he's gone.
Avoiding. Escaping. Hating.
That's the most to what I've been doing all along.
Have been seriously thinking over, and over again
Kept questioning why and why and why all over again...
Have been going around asking for reasonable reasons...answers...
Yet I couldnt find the answer to why HE eventually did that.
As a saying:
Time heals all wound
It was never wrong.
I had enough time to sort out all my feelings, emotions, thinking and to the most unreasonable question
It doesnt really matter to me now
Why did he do that? Why did he left?
Why was he like that? Why does he want to treat me this way?
What makes him to leave me alone here...?
So what if I get to know all the answers now?
It doesnt really bothers me anymore.
Tired of seeking, tired of knowing.
When I tried so hard to fulfill some things, yet it doesnt always turned out as expected, it just shows that sometimes there are some things that cannot be.
Or rather, not meant to be.
How I felt like screaming and shouting to him, telling him that it hurts alot, sometimes...
But my voice will never reach to him.
Well... whenever I said goodbye to him to myself
These goodbyes are not always the last, and they are never true
I still would yearn for him
But I guess this time it's for real.
As some always said:
"True goodbyes are the ones that never said or explained"
I dont really feel like saying goodbye to him anymore
Or rather I dont want to bother about him anymore
My heart is bading farewell to him, secretly.
It's somehow another new beginning of our lives.
After reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
I get to understand this world clearly, even better
I understood many things.
And I know someday, HE will too.
Just like me. Just someday...
If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were - Anonymous Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Sunday, November 21, 2010 . 11:14 PM
These few weeks really happened lots of things...And after so many things that had alrdy happened, I came to realise that I've been blinded.
Blinded by Love at first...
then Money...
I kept on working so hard for these past few days, seeking and researching for...?
I couldnt understand what I'm so engrossed about
What I'm so crazy bout.
What have literally become of me
I couldnt understand.
Tears flow out uncontrollably recently, probably becos of 1 litre of Tears?
I dont know but I'm somehow still addicted to 1 Litre of Tears
Haha...
Still recalling bout it in my mind sometimes...
I had a brainwash last nite
And I've finally woke up again
I guess its time to patch up with the ppl whom I didnt show enough concern for them
Be it just sympathy or sincerity
I just wanna show more care and concern to the ppl around me, especially HIM
Wonder if it's still not too late to do that?
Been reading the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
A very meaningful novel
Highly recommended to read that
I have that novel, if interested, could borrow it frm me :)
Well, if I could be given another chance
I wanna patch up with him again...
Sounds a bit wrong but I wanna maintain a good friendship with HIM even aftr we graduate
Be it whether does he even care or bother bout me anymore
As long as we could still be friends and chat more often
Why not?
Going into another relationship... or staying up single forever
I dont wanna bother bout all these...
Even though majority of my close friends are guys now
So what?
They are good people, and I love them very much!
Really grateful and appreciate for what thay have done for me all these while
Really felt concerned and cared for...
Especially Edward and Marcus!
Even though sometimes wild thinkings may occur
But I can assure that this would never happen!
Becos making it happen equals to losing 1 very best friend
Whom I treasure the most of the time
So no matter what, it'll nver gonna happen
And I wont allow it to happen.
I'm glad I'm just a mediocre.
Not too rich and not too poor.
Not too smart and not too dumb
Just nice is always the appropriate choice :)
Well...
Gonna sleep now!
TIRED~!
Haha :)
Life is wonderful, and I truly feel happy now :) Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Friday, November 19, 2010 . 12:29 AM
Sometimes...Conflicts do happen, and they always will
It all starts when its either you know somebody too well, or you dont seem to trust that person too well..
Whichever it is, both are bad...
Spare tire, ever felt like one in ur life?
I bet eveyone does felt it before, including me
Yea, you might say, it's like dat, this is life
Yea. But ever thought of why does it kept happening and repeating in ur life?
Well...
No point bothering over it
It all happens when you start to expect too much from someone
This shows that this friendship between us only worth up to this much. Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Thursday, November 18, 2010 . 4:18 PM
Where should I start from?I wonder...
Friendship.
Can I ask what does it really means to you?
Many people have their own differrent terms of Friendship...
There will be Friendship, but it will never last long
That's what most often think...
It doesnt matter whether would it last long or not
If it still does exist now, it's enough.
Trust.
A simple word, yet not easy
Whether you wanna trust someone, it's ur choice
As long as I'm always truthful, it's enough.
Communication.
The most important thing that you could ever need.
I know I'm bad at this
You dont have to tell me.
As long as I did not express it in the wrong way
It's fine.
Well...
What I wanna say is...
Whether or not do you still appreciate this friendship between us, it doesnt really matter ...
So as long as I still appreciate it, and I want to appreciate it, its enough.
Whether or not would it last or does it still last, its not what I'm asking.
Whether or not does it still exist would be my main concern.
Whether or not do you really even care about this
Just hope that things could still remain the same like the way they are...
They way you wanna treat someone, they can feel it without you telling them.
It doesnt matter if I'm thinking too much again
It doesnt matter that I have to feel good like how the way it was again
But I just dont like this feeling now.
Not a bit. Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Monday, November 15, 2010 . 8:24 PM
First of all, would like to thank Edward again for his concerns bout me.Really glad that he would lend his ears whenever I'm depressed.
Yesterday nite almost going crazy agn.
Got scolded and hit by mum for some stupid reasons
Parents and sister not agreeing to the job that I wanna work, which was a part-time waitress, at Germany restaurant serving wine and food.
Everything is so confusing that I burst up into tears again last nite...
Really felt like hugging someone tightly while letting my tears rolling down uncontrollably
Well...
I'm fine now.
Seeking for more other jobs now :(
Today had a farewell party
Our class's last farewell party
Not many attended, but was fun :)
We didnt talked much
As usual, a simple hi and bye
that's all for today
I couldnt care bout him anymore.
I know I cant
Well...
Last meeting would be at prom nite I guess
I wonder if I would be able to take photos with him
I promised him the last time, yet broke it.
Didnt feel gd at all...
I didnt hate him at all, never now.
It's just a little sad that all we could do was just greeting each other whenever we meet...
Would it be forever like that?
I wonder... :(
Going back to work now!
Gotta get busy for work =.=
Dates would be after work!
If I'm rich enough to help out in my family's business, that wouldnt be a problem now :(
What ever it is...
FIGHTING!!!!!!! XD Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Thursday, November 11, 2010 . 1:40 AM
Starting anew today...Never ever wanna look back anymore
Dont wanna see what he writes...
Dont wanna listen to what he says
Dont wanna know how he feels...
Dont wanna know ANYTHING that has got to do with him anymore!
It's time.
It's time to forget and move on.
I think I seemed to forget something more important than him
New life. New beginning...
I'm loving myself again :) Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010 . 11:25 PM
I'm scared.I'm scared initially...
Thought of viewing his twitter account aftr Os...
but ended up viewing it just now
Sounds like a stalker. Yea. I know.
Sounds like an idiot? Yea. I know that as clearly as anybody else.
Now I finally get it.
I'm alrdy gone.
Long long time ago.
Naively thinking, foolishly thinking...
Maybe he was referring to me after all...
I was wrong all the time.
Realizing that I'm not as important to someone as I always thought
I've alrdy disappeared in his vision, for decades i guess...
Well...
Clearly understood.
I'm clear now.
This speaks everything...
Everything that I wanna know
Frankly speaking, I'm not okay now
Edward would always be the first one to ask about me.
Truly appreciated and grateful to him
Really glad to know him :)
I'm not okay now, feels bad.
At least much better than before, than 25th Sept.
Disappointed. Disheartened. Depressed.
Same usual words...
Only such words that could describe how it feels like...
YOU asked me what happened?
Like I would tell YOU.
YOU really wanna know?
Then YOU should ask urself WHY DID THIS HAPPENED?
Do YOU think I have the mood to CHEER UP FOR YOU NOW?
IF I told YOU how I actually felt, WOULD IT CHANGE EVERYTHING?
YOU KNOW WHY I STILL COULDNT GET OVER YOU?
IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY ??? IN MY HEAD...
I wanna ask:
Why do YOU have to tell me that YOU had a crush on me in the first place?
Then why do YOU have to act like YOU cared for me all along...?
And why do YOU even wanna know things that got to do with me when the person YOU see is NOT ME?
Why do YOU get to complain how YOU feel all along when it should be ME, who SHOULD be complaining bout how I feel all along?
Do YOU even know what is LOVE?
Yea. I know I dont.
At least I know urs is not...
And YOU could even call that LOVE?
Unreasonable. Ridiculous. Absurd.
Now everything has come to light.
I have nothing to lose anymore...
Thanks for wasting my precious time on you.
My birthday gift to you.
The drawing of ur dogs...
Will be the first, and the last gift.
Yea.YOU would didnt even bother to ask me how long do I spent on drawing this...
YOU didnt.
I thought YOU always feel insignificant around with me.
I guess I'm much more worse in ur eyes.
Invisible? What a Great Word to describe...
I guess I'm was anticipating too much.
Thanks for millions of times.
If I could, how I wish I wouldnt see YOU anymore
Not even stay in contact.
Disappointed.
This could describe everything.
The last time was truly disappointed with tears
This time round was disappointed with fury
So sorry to say, but YOU'VE ALRDY PROVED ME THAT YOU ARENT EVEN WORTH THAN A SINGLE TEARDROP
YOU always thought that YOU'RE the only one who speaks bluntly and DIRECT to others?
Sad to say, YOU'RE WRONG.
Yea. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU dont know a single thing.
And YOU DONT EVEN NEED TO KNOW A SINGLE THING AT ALL.
Yea.
I know I'm a fool.
I've BEEN a fool.
And many many thanks for that!
FOR YOU.
Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Sunday, November 7, 2010 . 7:02 PM
Dont understand and I dont wish to understand.Yea, I know I've done the worst thing to him today.
Do u think I even feel good about it?
Purposely posted up that wall in facebook for him to see... testing if he really cares bout it
Wanting to know if he really minds it...
What am I doing?
Yea. I know I'm an idiot and I'm sure he's super upset now :(
If I could, I wanted to apologize to him
I wanted to tell him:
"I'm sorry. I didnt invite you.
But before that, before they even came to my hse to study...
I was always thinking, 'If things werent so different now, will you be coming along with them to my hse to study?' "
I couldnt bother bout him anymore now
I cant.
He doesnt know, that there's still a someone thinking of him
trying hard to forget him, yet couldnt completely forget
He doesnt know, and he'll never know.
It's okay.
Not knowing anything, then so be it
Knowing too much like me isnt that healthy either :(
I guess I'm thinking too much again
He's alrdy decided to forget me and went looking for her
So why am I still stuck here?
I should be looking forward them.
He's alrdy decided to move on, and liking someone else
and never regretted to came back
What's wrong with me then?
Alrdy decided to forget, alrdy decided to let go
Why am I taking back my words again?
Is being friends alone just so hard... ?
I wonder how long am I still able to hang on...
A broken heart 3 years ago... by some stupid jerk
Mending and treating for almost the nxt 2 years later
I thought this time round would be different
I hesitated initially, but through many encouragements
and decided to give it a try, but I guess I was wrong all the while...
What for bringing it up again since they're alrdy the past?
I'm an idiot arent I?
And I'm tired of playing with him now.
Always foolishly thinking that the person he's referring to was me, yet it was not.
Why should he talk about me?
I guess I'm really thinking way TOO MUCH...
I know what I did to him just now was really wrong.
Just hate me. Hate me for all you want.
and if it's possible, forget me.
I know I deserved this
I'm the one who started this first, so just let me be the one to end all of this...
Thursday, 4th November 2010. 10:23AM
Well...
I've been thinking and thinking...
What makes me like him so much?
What makes me felt so hard to let go of him.
I cant really see clearly now.
Yea. What makes me like him so much?
It makes me wonder...
Because he likes me?
Infatuated?
Physical appearance?
The way he teases you?
Or Sympathy?
I really dont know...
But somehow, my heart is accepting the fact thaqt he doesnt likes me now.
I guess its becos of sympathy, that made me like him so much now
I think I know now.
I think I know why now.
The way he does things to me, the way he talks to me
The way he calls me... everything somehow felt a little agonizing
a little shy and a little awkward
The way he said things to me felt a little warm, it made me felt happier :)
Everything felt right like the way it was.
But somehow... his actions was warning me
Not to start assuming things again
Why would he told his friends himself?
Why would he say out that he's with someone?
That he's alrdy with someone.
On his own accord.
Without anyone asking him in the first place, without anyone forcing him or threatening him to spill everything out in the first place...
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I guess this speaks everything.
I've been figuring out why my heart isnt accepting the facts
But it seemed like things are changing now, though my heart is still accepting the truth, but not yet complete
Really disheartening...
It feels truly terrible...
25th Sept. I could still feel it.
Even though it doesnt seem to hurt so much now, but somehow there's still some marks left within...
It's okay.
He wouldnt understand.
I wont blame him for everything.
Cos he doesnt even know a single thing...
The person that I'm most curious about.
The person that I appreciate the most all along
The person that I'm most concerned and worried about
The person whom I'll always look out for first in the crowd
The person whom I'll always noticed his every actions when he's around me
The person who made me wanted to do things that could make him feel happier
The person who made me felt determined to change his life into a better one
The person who made me wanted to teach him and share everything that I know
The person who made me had such thinking all the while...
All in just one decision, gone without a trace.
I guess I was just thinking way too much.
Yea. What does he know?
He doesnt know a single thing, and he will not.
After typing so much, up till this day
I didnt want him to do anything for me anymore
Nor do I wanna wish for anything from him or request for anything from him
Just spilling out how I feel now
I know maybe someday, just someday, he might be reading this or smth
I just have a feeling he might get to read this one day, and realized how I actually felt all these while.
Yea.
He might have broke my heart
He made me felt real upset, disappointed
but it's okay.
What's happened has already been happened
I dont need to be consoled, nor encouraged.
I just wanna move on.
You're right. I've not totally forgotten him now
It's hard to forget someone
It's hard to let go of him, but I know just someday I will...
I will be able to forget and let go of him completely
When the time comes, it'll be when u started noticing that I wasnt mentioning anything about him at all
That'll be the time when I've completely forgotten bout him
And I'll smile gracefully at the sky above me again :) Her voices... Where her HEART is...
Monday, November 1, 2010 . 8:14 PM
I've never want to hate him...I've never want to dislike him, to ignore him...
Last month, the way how I treated him
I could still remember everything clearly
I know doing this was really wrong, really hurting
But that was just my way of retaliating
I know what I did to him was wrong, but I dont really mean it that way
It's hurting I know, but it wouldnt hurt as much as mine
Definitely not. I'm sure of it.
What does he know anyway?
He knows nothing. Nothing at all...
I didnt really want to hate him so much
to dislike everything that he does
but sometimes I just couldnt understand him
cant he be more like himself?
Why must he learn to talk like some other ppl?
normal language is gd enough to comprehend...
Not that I didnt want to talk to him
Not that I didnt want to take a photo with him
Not that I didnt want to ignore him
I just couldnt make eye contact with him
even for just a short while
I couldnt look into his eyes anymore...
or else agony would consume me again
I've came to realized being his friend does helps a lot...
maybe being just friends is enough
Well, I'm still acting like a fool now
Thinking of useless things again
What he does now will be his business
whether be it he's brooding over his "smart" and "nice" sec 2 girl or not
or anything related to him would mean nothing to me now...
I wouldnt wanna know anything and I couldnt care less about him anymore
Nothing bothers me
I only want peace! XD
Just hope to make people's lives better
show some concern and affection is alrdy gd enough!
I'm just living the way I want right now
Which is enough for me alrdy
Still, Life is as great as it is ...
Everyday may not be good, but there's something good in every day :)
Her voices... Where her HEART is...